Please Press 5
by iamRAWRkaythanks
Summary: AU. "I drunk called Sasuke last night and told him i wanted to have his babies." "Dammit Naruto!" "Says the girl who made out with Sia in the pool." SasuSaku, NaruHina, NejiTen, ShikaTema, GaaOC, KibaIno, and drunken NaruSasu/SakufemOC.


"You've reached Sasuke Uchiha. I'm not available. Leave a message. Hnn."

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

"SASUKE-CHAN it's Naruko you're the hottest thang I've evvvvverrrrr seen and I so want your babies. CALL ME BACK SO WE CAN GET TO WORK ON REVIVING THE UCHIHA CLAN. Raaaammennnn."

Beeeeeeeep.

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU'RE HOT. ADJKHSL. CALL ME BACK. SERIOUSLY. UCHIHA BABIES. YOU. ME. THINK ABOUT IT."

Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

Sasuke Uchiha stared at his phone. "...Hnn?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Please Press 5 if You Want to Have Sasuke Uchiha's Babies<strong>_

**Parties, Alcohol, Babies**

* * *

><p><em>TWENTY FOUR HOURS PREVIOUSLY<em>

To: Sakura-chan

From: Naruto

THERE IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME PARTY AT INO'S LATER ARE YOU COMING (haha that's what she said)?

To: Naruto

From: Sakura

I helped plan the thing, baka. Stop using caps.

To: Sakura-chan

From: Naruto

NEVER CAPS IS AWESOME!

* * *

><p>To: All Contacts<p>

From: Ino

PARTY. MY HOUSE. EIGHT PM. BE THERE OR BE SHUNNED. Ino out.

To: Ino

From: Sakura

Ino stop trying to be a gangster.

To: Sakura

From: Ino

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, FOREHEAD. THIS COVERSATION IS OVER.

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Do you still have my purple boots?

To: Ino

From: Sakura

Sure do.

To: Sakura

From: Ino

YOU'RE A LIFESAVER. ILY FOREHEAD.

* * *

><p><em>INO'S HOUSE.<em>

_EIGHT P.M._

"FOREHEAD! YOU MADE IT!" My best friend in the entirety of the world glomped me as soon as I walked in the door.

"Ino-pig, there's this thing called personal space. You may not have it, but I do."

The platinum blonde scoffed. "Lighten up. You need a drink. There's beer...somewhere..."

I facepalmed. "You fail, Ino. Is Naruto here yet?"

"He's in the kitchen. I think it's going to be one of those parties, billboard brow!"

"Oh great," I mumbled as I pushed past the crowds of dancing people. I spotted Lee starting a conga line and Neji and Tenten making out in a corner.

They needed lives.

I finally made it to the kitchen, only to find it refreshingly uncrowded. The only people here were Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, and-

"SAKURA-CHAN!"

"Hey Naruto."

-My other idiotic blonde best friend.

"I'm glad you came!" He was holding me in a death hug.

"What a drag...Naruto, I think you're killing her," Shikamaru muttered.

With a yelp, he released me. "Sakura-chan are you okay?"

"I'm fine baka, calm down. Hey Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba," I greeted.

"Munch munch."

"Troublesome..."

"Yo," Kiba replied.

"Why are you guys all in here anyway?"

"Crowds are troublesome..." Shikamaru murmured and I sweatdropped.

"Ino's being a Queen Bee," The mentioned blonde's boyfriend shrugged.

"Food."

"Ramen."

I facepalmed for the second time in the last five minutes at their responses. "Seriously, guys?"

"Yep!" Naruto grinned, reaching beneath the table. "Oh, I have vodka! And sake!"

"Let's get smashed," Kiba chuckled evilly.

"..." I sighed. "Oh, why the hell not. Count me in."

"Alright! Shikamaru? Chouji?"

They both shook their heads as Naruto opened the bottles and kiba fetched glasses.

"Bring it on boys!"

* * *

><p>To: Tenten<p>

From: Sakura

heeeeeyyyyyy tenner! r u and the nejster makin babiehs? :D

To: Sakura

From: Tenten

Sakura...are you drunk?

To: Tenten

From: Sakura

naruko brought sake and VODKA BITCHES!

To: Sakura

From: Tenten

...You mean Naruto?

To: Tenten

From: Sakura

no he's naruko now he's gonna have a sex change so he can carry babiehs or sumthing

i wasn't payin attention cause there was VODKA

To: Sakura

From: Tenten

...Ooooohkay then. And no, I'm not 'making babies' with Neji.

To: Tenten

From: Sakura

ur babiehs would be hawt

To: Sakura

From: Tenten

Uh...thank you?

* * *

><p>To: Hinata<p>

From: Kiba

babe ur the hottest thing evr stop socialize-ish and let's MAKEOUT

To: Kiba

From: Hinata

Kiba-san, I'm not your girlfriend, I think you sent the text to the wrong person.

To: Hinata

From: Kiba

whoops sorry PRETTY LIGHTS auzhjgdjfgkg AKAMARU

* * *

><p>To: Ino<p>

From: Hinata

Uhm Ino I think your boyfriend is drunk.

To: Hinata

From: Ino

Shit do you know where he is?

To: Ino

From; Hinata

Sorry, I don't. Maybe the kitchen?

To: Hinata

From: Ino

Thanks!

* * *

><p>To: Sakura<p>

From: Ino

Hey Sak have you seen Kiba?

To: Ino

From: Sakura

the view from ur roof is AMAZIN I would totally have sex up here

ps I beat kiba and naruko in a drinking contest yaaay

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Good to know...Forehead did you have vodka again?

To: Ino

From: Sakura

hellz to the yesh I did.

I hash to whisper now cause naruko's callin someone important

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Ohkay sweetie...is Kiba up there?

To: Ino

From: Sakura

he's dancing with leprechauns...

shikamaru's sitting in the pot of gold

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Shika's drunk too?

To: Ino

From: Sakura

yeeeeeepz! he joined in after the fifth round

haha that sounds like we were having sex but WE WERENT

To: Sakura

From: Ino

Okay then...

* * *

><p><em>INO'S HOUSE<em>

_TEN THIRTY PM_

"Sia! You guys made it!" Ino glomped the sole female offspring of Fugaku and Mikoto Uchiha. "Sasuke, Itachi."

"Hnn."

"Hello Yamanaka-san."

"ITACHI!" came a roar from where 'The Akatsuki' were huddled in part of Ino's living room.

"Excuse me," Itachi politely excused himself, Sia following, most likely to find her 'Gaara-panda'.

"Oh, Sasuke, your two best friends got drunk and are on my roof and according to Tenten-via a drunken Sakura-Naruto is now going by Naruko."

"...What?" He asked.

"Apparently Naruto, Kiba, Sakura, and Shikamaru had a drinking contest. And now they're on the roof. I think," Ino explained in a rush before disappearing into the crowd.

* * *

><p>To: Naruto<p>

From: Sasuke

Hnn. Where are you and Sakura?

To: Sasuke

From: Naruto

up on the roof YO

the sakiness is singing britneh spearz

she's haaaawwwt but not as hawt as u ;)

To: Naruto

From: Sasuke

I'm going to ignore the fact that you think I'm hot (or, at least the drunk you thinks I'm hot).

To: Sasuke

From: Naruto

we found tequila man this shit is AWWWWEESSSOOOMMMEEEE.

u need 2 try it dude.

To: Naruto

From: Sasuke

Ino informed me that you're changing your name to Naruko. Any reason why?

To: Sasuke

From: Naruto

imma be a chick dude. BABIES!

To: Naruto

From: Sasuke

...You are disturbed.

To: Sasuke

From: Naruto

oh hey yo sister is on the roof naow and she cracked open more tequila

WE'RE GONNA GET WASTED

To: Naruto

From: Sasuke

Oh god. And, by the way, you already ARE wasted.

To: Sasuke

From: Naruto

...good point w/e TEQUILA AND PJNK RABBIT!shd()()&!(?$/~4)

* * *

><p><em>INO'S HOUSE<em>

_TEN FORTY FIVE PM_

"Sasuke," Gaara walked up to the youngest Uchiha. "Have you seen your sister?"

"I think she's on the roof getting smashed with Naruto and Sakura, I dunno though. Have you seen my brother?"

"The Akatsuki's playing strip poker."

"...Seriously?"

"Aa," The redhead smirked. "I've already got blackmail of my cousin Sasori..."

Sasuke also smirked, pulling out his phone. "Thanks Gaara."

"Aa."

* * *

><p>To: Sia<p>

From: Gaara

Where are you?

To: Gaara

From: Sia

heyyyyyy did ya know ino has a pool?

To: Sia

From: Gaara

...Please don't tell me you're in the pool.

To: Gaara

From: Sia

the water's warm...ooh ooh guess what panda!

To: Sia

From: Gaara

...What?

To: Gaara

From: Sia

i like tequila SSSHHHHH don't tell the rainbow toads

To: Sia

From: Gaara

...Sakura and Naruto with you?

To: Gaara

From: Sia

didya know shikamaru is a leprechaun? TEEHEE

To: Sia

From: Gaara

/facepalm

* * *

><p>To: Neji<p>

From: Shikamaru

Pssssst. Neji.

To: Shikamaru

From: Neji

...What?

To: Neji

From: Shikamaru

...are you a gurl? u have such pretty hairrrrrr...

btw sakura kiba sia and naruko say SUP NEJI

To: Shikamau

From: Neji

...I am not female. That idea is preposterous.

To: Neji

From: Shikamaru

u would make an awesome gurl fyi

To: Shikamaru

From: Neji

...I'll keep that in mind.

* * *

><p>To: Itachi<p>

From: Naruto

in case sasuke doesn't accept my proposal will you make uchiha babies with me?

To: Naruto

From: Itachi

After a few more beers I might.

To: Itachi

From: Naruto

BITCHIN'.

* * *

><p>To: Shikamaru<p>

From: Sakura

haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

To: Sakura

From: Shikamaru

where in the name of my pineapple hair did naruko and kiba go?

To: Shikamaru

From: Sakura

nnnoooo idea but sia's still in the innnerrrrrr tubbbbeeeee

To: Sakura

From: Shikamaru

yeah I know, we're sitting next to each other I can see everything u can

To: Shikamaru

From: Sakura

ohhhh heyyy we are! :D just noticed

OMG KILLER UNICORNS EVERYBODY RUN

To: Sakura

From: Shikamau

...pass me the tequila i think im sobering up

* * *

><p><em>INO'S BACKYARD<em>

_TWELVE O' ONE AM_

"Duuuuuude. Duuuuuude. Dude. DUDE!"

"What teh hellzish, Naruko?"

"Dude...where are we?"

Kiba looked around, scratching his head. "I...dunno man. But we've got vodka!"

"Sweet..." Naruto plopped down on the grass. "Kiba, man, can I borrow your phone?"

"Dont you have your own?"

"...Kiba, mah friend, you are a genius."

"Fuck yeah I am."

* * *

><p>To: Hinata<p>

From: Naruto

if I don't get the chance to bear uchiha babies will you be my lesbian lover?

To: Naruto

From: Hinata

Uhm...sure?

To: Hinata

From: Naruto

aaaawwwwwwwww yeah

* * *

><p>To: Ino<p>

From: Hinata

Naruto...er, Naruko just asked me to be his lesbian lover. /facepalm

To: Hinata

From: Ino

Wow he really must be wasted.

To: Ino

From: Hinata

No doubts. I'm about to drive Lee, Neji, Tenten, and Sai home.

To: Hinata

From: Ino

Good luck with that...

Everyone's gonna be sooooo hungover tomorrow.

To: Ino

From: Hinata

Think of the blackmail.

To: Hinata

From: Ino

I already am. -cackles evilly-

To: Ino

From: Hinata

...Wow.

To: Hinata

From: Ino

Shut up.

To: Hinata

From: Ino

…I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

To: Ino

From: Hinata.

Me either Ino. Me either.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Let me just say that everyone in this fic is at least 21 and there was no specific reason for the party because the naruto characters are cool like that.**

**This bad boy, at the most, will be five chapters, so...**

**REVIEW IF YOU WANT MORE, it's simple math.**

**Lurves,**

**~Ze RAWR**


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